yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
