whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize