the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
