Just fell off a train. Bad.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
