I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
