im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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