hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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