You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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