NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
