My sheets look like a crime scene.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
