Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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