Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
