I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
