yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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