he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
