You don't have asthma, your pregnant
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
