do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
