just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
