i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
