my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
