i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
