I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
