Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
zippers are such a cool invention
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
