I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize