I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
