We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
