Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
