You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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