duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
