Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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