If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my shit smells like andre
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
