How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
