It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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