My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
