guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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