Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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