So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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