just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
