dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
