I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
