I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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