her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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