she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
