I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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