I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
