do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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