9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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