I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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