Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
