I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just high enough for therapy.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
