the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
