you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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