No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize