I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
