I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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