those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
